Really lucky… yet not…?

{ June 9, 2008 @ 8:04 pm } · { Love, Random }
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Its weird… I know I’m lucky to have such a loving family, and I’m even luckier to find a person that loves me so much. I’m eternally grateful to the people that I’ve found in life that seriously do care about me. I’m happy, yet not.

I don’t really understand the reasons why I can’t let someone get close to me, no matter how much I hate being alone. Being alone actually scares me considerably, so I really don’t understand why I push people away. I know I do it, people have no right telling me I don’t, but I don’t want to continually push people away… I want to love them and let them love me and keep them by myside… Always.

Yes, Kirill hates me. It makes me happy yet sad inside. It makes me happy because I know he’s too good for me. I should of let him go when I had the chance so I wouldn’t of hurt him so badly. I know now… That he regrets giving up his exes for me. I don’t mind being called a bitch from him. I fully deserve it. I’m a bad person to love… Someone who wants to be loved, but is afraid of being loved at the same time.

I’m a messed up person, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m broken and I make other things worse. I want to be loved, yet I don’t. I think I don’t because I don’t want to hurt the people I care about most.

I apologize to everyone who cares about me. If I have hurt you, or if I ever hurt you in the future, know that I’m incomparably sorry and I hope I know I do care about you <3

Is this me… when I get to close to someone?

{ June 9, 2008 @ 6:58 pm } · { Depressed, What is it? }
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All I can see is that I’ve a very screwed up person. No matter what people see… no matter what I let people see, in the end, all I can see is a very messed up Sam.

Every time I get close to someone, and I mean really close. Every time I get sad, I always try to push them away. Even now I do that. Maybe my parents are right… maybe I do just keep lying to myself. Why do I keep pushing people away? Am I really that scared to get close to someone? Why is it that I can’t love my parents like other kids do, especially since my parents “care” for me so much? I say “care” because well… there are different definitions and view points of the word “care”.

I feel like I’m destined to be alone. I mean… I know personally that I hate being alone, but when I do get close to someone, why do I try and push them away? Like Kirill now… I love him to the ends of the earth. I’d do anything for him. But there are times when he’s depressed that makes me sad, and that leads me to try and push him away, which just makes things even worse between us. Even though I love him, why do I instinctively try to push him away? Why is it that whenever I start caring about a person more and more that I don’t want them to be with me?

Maybe its the fact that I know that I myself is screwed up… I’ve never been able to make my parents proud of me, and honestly, I don’t even know if my friends actually care about me. I mean, sometimes its obvious, but there are times that I really just don’t know. I feel like I annoy them and all I do is make their lives worse.

… All I do is make peoples’ lives worse. That’s probably it right there. I can’t do anything right. Even when I thought I did… Something for someone to be proud of me… It never seems to work.

Yay… Screwed up Sam… Maybe I should be alone and become a nun… Even though I think “God” is fucked up for making people like me who are so fucked up themselves.

The Meaning of Life

{ May 27, 2008 @ 4:25 pm } · { Random, What is it? }
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I don’t know why exactly, but it popped into my mind a while back: What exactly IS the meaning of life? Some people said that it can be a range variety of things, but I don’t know why, but my version of the ‘meaning of life’ seems… probable? Well, to science anyways.

If you think about it, and I mean REALLY think about it, its not that hard really. Think of Darwin’s theory of evolution, one of them being survival of the fittest as well as over-reproduction. If people looked beyond themselves as a highly advanced being (which of course, humans are), but saw themselves as… Well… An animal. I mean, horses, dogs, cats, ect… They don’t see themselves having to need money or have that or achieve this. The only thing they live for is to survive and reproduce. They need to have traits that would be beneficial to further generations.

Is it just me, or is our culture way to materialistic. Even those people who decide to live their lives simply… I doubt they’d live like a complete animal, and be true to their original form. I dunno… Meaning of life? There is much more than the basic meaning of survival of the fittest and reproduction, but I really do think it just comes down to that in the end.

Weird… I don’t know why I thought of this and it really doesn’t seem like me…

Its SO HARD ;__;”

{ May 24, 2008 @ 9:58 am } · { Anger, Family, Random }
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Well, I knew this would hit eventually, but I really hoped it wouldn’t o.O;

So me and Kirill have been together for about 4 months now. I don’t remember when our first phone call was, but it wasn’t that long. I think 10-20 minutes max. Wasn’t really sure if ebil one (which i call my dad) would wonder or not. But then, it started getting longer… and longer o.o! Max now was about hour and 10 minutes i think.

So~ Today… He finally asked about the calls. One I kinda pulled Alan into, and then he asked again if someone in Toronto was calling me and I said yah, another friend that moved recently o.O So far, I’m not in trouble :D That’s so far anyways. I’m half afraid of getting in trouble again, half not. I’m not really scared of getting in trouble, I’m scared of losing him. If I get too deep in shit, I won’t be able to talk to him that much, and I doubt I could live with that.

Right now, I am a little tense. Can’t let it mess up, really. Ebil one is letting me off this time, but shit. I hate him watching me. You guys, whoever reads these, I love Kirill with all of my heart. We had our ups and downs, but I really do love him. Kinda early for me to say, but I want to marry him. Well… We want to marry each other ^^

Comment on phone thing <3 Should we talk on the phone still or lie low o.O? I’m not in any trouble right now, but he is suspicious xD;; Damn… Living without his touch is hard enough ): Living without his voice just makes things worse u.u; I hope we still can… Not as often, but still can <3

The only part of life I like is Kirill and the friends I have. Family… I can’t say they’d make me happy. Kirill… I refuse to live without him. Need to think… Need some plan. Love him and I always will. Wants to run away from here. Only thing I get from parents is shit. I don’t want it anymore.

If they try and take away Kirill, I’m gone.

Feeling Lost

{ April 14, 2008 @ 1:26 pm } · { Depressed, Love }
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Its every once in a while where I have this feeling hit me, and nothing seems the same. Today, I just feel like shit. I knew it would be from the beginning, but I’m not sure why. The feeling keeps tugging at me, that today would be crap, and it is crap. I’ve lost myself. I don’t know anything that I want. Its not for sure today. Nothing is for sure today.

Kirill… He made me see more of life than anyone else has. I know that a lot of my friends don’t like him. He has put me through a lot, but I feel as though he’s worth fighting for. Long distance relationships… Its freakishly hard, but I want it.

He told me before, when I was scared of it never happening, that what we had wasn’t a dream, that we were reachable. That gave me a confidence boost. It lasted for a while, but now I feel as though its dwindling. I talked to him recently, and now he sees me as a ‘fairy tale’. None of his friends think that I’m real, and I don’t know why, but this gut feeling says he’s doubting us because of what his friends say… That finding someone like me is “too good to be true”. Fairy tales… Happy endings, right?

I’m seriously just lost right now. My dad yelled at me, saying I have no ‘heart’ for learning. Today, at least, I have no heart for anything. I guess you can say I’m in one of my depressed moods again. I had made a choice, on where I wanted to go in life. I set it high, but things happening around me just seem to make it disappear. Because of my parents mostly. My goals are never good enough for them, even when I feel proud of myself for setting them.

I’m scared I  might go “Fuck life” and disappear. To some extent I know that I wouldn’t let myself do something as selfish like that, but I’m starting to doubt how much I really understand myself.

Only serious thing I want right now is to be with Kirill. No I don’t really know who he is, but I trust him. He told me why he did some of the things he did, and I trust him for it. I love him. At least, I love him to the extent to what I know as ‘love’. God that word is vague…

Quotes (me have nothing better to do o.O)

{ March 28, 2008 @ 4:54 pm } · { Hope, Love }
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I think I still have hope o.O;; I wish it’ll go away. Hope sucks x.x; (btw: god that girl reminds me of Xee -.-; )

“Love is a noble act of self-giving, offering trust, faith, and loyalty. The more you love, the more you lose a part of yourself, yet you don’t become less of who you are; you end up being complete with your loved ones.”

“You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.”

“Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met.”

“True love never dies as we see in our eyes, only when we let go that we can truly say goodbye.”

“Real loss only occurs when you lose something that you love more than yourself.”

“I thought I loved him, but he had to break my heart for me to know what true love really is.”

“A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it.”

“I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you’re the one that I love, and I can’t let you go.”

“Though miles may lie between us, we’re never far apart, for friendship doesn’t count the miles, it’s measured by the heart.”

Okay.. Lazy now o.O;;  lovingyou.com has a lot of good ones xD

I feel like typing today o.O;

{ March 28, 2008 @ 2:36 pm } · { Dream Diary, Random }
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Well, I was looking through my ‘dream diary’. I’ve had at least two more that I can remember. I’ll start with the more simple one.

Me+ Kirill. Cuddling in bed. Seriously, that was it xD;

Second one was more like an action story. Something about purple smoke and a hotel o.O. Lots of running around. Never really sure what was happening. Hm… Thats pretty much it o.o;

I don’t know why, but my mind is blank, but I can’t help typing. I really don’t know why.

Oddly enough, I don’t know why, but I still really hope that Kirill will come back. I guess this was the same thing with Toby. I’ll find better, I guess. Not really looking any more. I guess the person would find me. Kirill found me when I was depressed before when I was still in my hole with Toby. Maybe another will come a long. Maybe not?

Sometimes I wonder if becoming Bisexual would feel better << >>;; Though I’m pretty sure I won’t turn that way :D

I’ve actually learned something

{ March 28, 2008 @ 2:27 pm } · { Love, Random }
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Haha… Amazing enough, I really thought I would of learned my lesson by now. I had two rules for myself, when it came to finding someone that you could love, as well as someone that could love you back.

1. Never say you love someone until you know they love you back.

2. Never even have a crush on someone that isn’t single.

Well, number 2 I’ve broken twice. One was purposely because I really didn’t care. Number two because… well… I really didn’t know. Oddly enough, I’m slightly feeling better. I don’t know why but blogs always help. o.O I’ve learned my lesson (thank god!). Online dating. Not worth it. You never really know whats up with the person on the other side. They also feed you lies like candy :D. Haha… ‘Perfect Relationship’ my ass…

Intimidating? o.O

{ February 17, 2008 @ 9:20 am } · { What is it? }
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I just noticed that a lot of my friends now had a very funny first impression with me… Apparently I was intimidating and they were afraid of me o.O;;

Haha… Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard it from friends, or family for that matter xD; When my cousin came over a couple summers ago, she was like ‘HOMG SAM! You are pretty cold when you don’t know people well o.O;;” Haha… and its so true. Normally it takes some people a while to get close to me. As long as you make an effort to want to be my friend, I will too, and eventually I won’t be that cold (:

Its funny how normally it can take a person a month or so to not be afraid of me, and for me to count as a friend. Kirill… he’s another story. I seriously find it weird that he’s the only person that has been able to break down my emotional barriers in the matter of days. Maybe less.

I love him so much. He’s the only one that is willing to take all the shit I give off these days. I feel bad for giving him this shit, but I try to make up for it. Try. o.o; Sometimes I go so far that I really don’t know how to make it up to him. I’m glad though. Sometimes I feel as though I don’t want him loving me because of the shit I give off, but I’m so happy that someone loves me enough to keep being persistent with me.

My friends and Kirill is what keeps me going. To those who read this, I love you all <3 I wouldn’t be able to live life if it wasn’t for you guys. ^^

I haven’t been this happy in such a long time…

{ January 22, 2008 @ 7:47 pm } · { Random }
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Its been a while since I’ve been this happy, and I really wasn’t expecting it. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to open up to a guy again, but I did. It feels wonderful.

I know this ‘online relationship’ stuff normally doesn’t work. I mean… How do you know the person on the other side is really what they say? I know that already, and I won’t do anything drastic. But damn… This dude makes me really happy.

To tell you the truth, I don’t really know his name (: Its something on the lines of Kirill, but names take a while for me to soak in. I’m too ashamed to ask again xD; I’ve probably been smiling for the last couple hours nonstop. Its awesome. I’m trying really hard not to let anything develop because this wouldn’t be good for me or him. It’s happy now… but what would become of it later?

I’ve hurt people before. I’ve gotten hurt before. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, especially him. I hope that one day, he will find someone that he can be close to. Not lil ‘ol me down in Cali while he’s in Canada. I wish I could have found someone like him… here, yah know? He’s done some not-so-good things, but… Personality wise… its awesome.

He brought me this happiness that only Toby had. He’s able to make me blush and smile just through the words he types onto his computer.

Only thing is… I’m scared he might be a stalker (x

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